Northwoods Recovery: Forgiveness

It’s another beautiful fall day in the Northwoods; unseasonably warm, so perfect for spending a lazy afternoon strolling and bench-sitting on the shores of Boom Lake alongside many other devoted Hodags. Seemingly, the perfect setting for another of those near-mystical experiences that have so blessed this recovery.

Aiming once again toward some understanding, I was ruminating — as I often do these days — on the direction taken from boyhood into substance use, followed by too many years of the addiction that once ruled my life and, almost too late, transformed now into this recovery. 

Pursuing this thought had me idly wondering; If I could talk to that boy, what would I say to him?  

 Suddenly it was as if he were sitting there beside me, plaintively asking: Why? Why did you choose to throw away the promising life waiting ahead of me? Why did you allow addiction to prevent the dreams I had to even begin developing toward fruition? 

 I thought of all the pitiful excuses I’ve made over the years for my many moral failures, but couldn’t bring myself to voice any of those whining justifications, knowing them to be just that. I could only offer a shamefaced apology and beg forgiveness from that young boy, knowing full well how deeply I’d failed him by choosing booze and dope over his true wants and desires; the same way I’d failed my own children. 

 Old as I am, I’m still that little boy, questioning why; needing to find forgiveness, but have yet to uncover the way to forgive myself. 

 I feel real gratitude for the gift of this warm sunny fall day, a welcome reminder to be grateful having this and every day now clean and free, no longer encumbered by the burden of drug dependence. I’m grateful too for these occasional visitations from the little boy who became me, the well-deserved chastising reminding me that much of the work of making amends for the havoc I wrought in addiction remains undone. 

After so much chaos and anger and fear, spanning decades, the measure of peace this recovery brings me still seems a miracle, one never anticipated, bearing ongoing hope I will be forgiven by that little boy; will someday be granted another miracle and finally forgive myself. 

Even so, I’ll still wish to see that little boy again, if only to hear him say those magic words: We do recover.

Do you think you may have a problem with alcohol? Alcoholics Anonymous can help. Call the hotline at 715-360-4637 or visit www.northwoodsaa.org for questions or to find a meeting in your area.