Northwoods Recovery: Finding answers

Taking a break from the structure of the life we create for ourselves — work, home, family, and all we must do to maintain those — frees up time and space useful for pursuing other, less toilsome purposes.

In the days before finding my way to recovery however, I felt the only purpose worth pursuing was staying wasted on whatever combination of booze and dope was currently in favor, usually leaving me broke, dopesick, and hungover. Bad enough; but even worse, I never once questioned why I should wish to consistently engage in such obviously self-destructive behavior. 

Why, for so many years, did I continue on that path? 

The easy answers; I was addicted, drug dependent; victimized by substance abuse disorder.  

But those are just words, and a few simple words do not serve to explain — much less address — any underlying reasons. They also read like excuses, when there’s no excusing decades of aberrant behavior. Certainly no answer to: “Why?” 

For years I’ve searched for answers and come up empty-handed. Am I failing to ask the right question? 

Back in my recovery coaching days, when I could easily empathize with clients struggling with their addiction issues, I saw too many otherwise intelligent substance abusers turn away and turn down solid offers of help getting clean. The most frequently heard excuse?

 “This is too hard.” 

Risking arrest, health, and even death is deemed easier than a stint in rehab; learning how to live a substance-free life, too difficult.  

Getting clean is hard, but then so is the long, hard road to rock-bottom. Why do we hold fast to this course, plummeting to our own destruction? 

Even after years in recovery, the search for answers continues. What drove me to throw away the best years of my life, pursuing interminable stupification in utter disregard of all the very real dangers? For what? What did I have to show for all my substance abuse? 

I don’t expect to ever find an answer. Perhaps I should settle for the simplest explanation; addiction is a self-imposed disease, mental illness, and searching for the cause is really only looking for something or someone to blame. For my addiction I blame no one but myself. I should simply be grateful — and I am eternally grateful — for finally finding the way out and into this amazing recovery. Grateful too, for the Northwoods companions who stand with me; proving to doubters that we do recover.

Do you think you may have a problem with alcohol? Alcoholics Anonymous can help. Call our Hotline at (715)360-4637 or visit our website at www.northwoodsaa.org for questions or to find a meeting in your area.