March 2, 2020 at 4:30 p.m.
Identifying what is and isn't bullying key to resolving conflicts
Jacobi: Lack of empathy, interpersonal skills often the cause
Identifying what is and isn't bullying key to resolving conflicts
In a recent interview with the River News, School District of Rhinelander superintendent Kelli Jacobi said preventing and resolving conflicts between students is a major point of emphasis for the district. And so is helping kids and parents understand what is and is not bullying.
"Many people see situations and immediately go to bullying, but it's just conflict, if two kids don't agree on something (that isn't always bullying)," Jacobi said. "It's our job in schools to be teaching kids conflict resolution, how do we work with each other, because that is critical; we have to learn to be able to work with each other."
She said that the district has "character education" from 4K until 12th grade that is intended to help students learn how their actions can affect others.
"Learning how to be kind, respectful, empathetic is critical, and we don't see that a lot in society today, or it's kind of a missing piece," Jacobi said. "We have Responsive Classroom, which is a program that we are using in elementary schools. We're using something called Restorative Practices at the secondary level. It is really a great way to teach kids the things they need to be learning."
She said different children come to school with varying degrees of these skills.
"Kids come to school needing to be educated in many things, including social skills. Each home is teaching them something different, so as they come to school, they are kind of learning the social norms - that in society, this is appropriate, this isn't - because, like with many things, it takes some children more time to learn than others," she said. "And that is very normal, it doesn't mean that some kids are bad and some aren't. It just means we have to take the time to support our kids and teach them what they need. So we have many things in place."
The first step in getting a handle on a conflict between two students, or one student and a group of students, is determining the intent behind the behavior, Jacobi said.
"We have to look at that intent piece, what is the intent behind what is going on, and helping kids with appropriate responses. And that goes back to conflict resolution, although we would never call it that at a kindergarten morning meeting. But that is something that we have put into place at all of our schools, that they do the morning meetings. It's a time for teachers and kids to make suggestions, ask about things and for teachers to have those little mini lessons on character education. How do we treat each other nicely?" Jacobi said. "If two kids are having conflict, how do we talk about a nice way to say that instead of a mean way to say that? Because saying something that's going to hurt someone's feelings isn't always bullying. If there was no intent there, they just didn't know how to say it in a different way. We all know adults in our lives that don't have that skill of think before you speak or blurting negative commentary. People have to learn that. Some people never really get it."
She said bullying is happening everywhere in the world now.
"So I'm not saying that bullying does not exist, only that we have to make sure we're addressing things based on what the student needs are," she added.
When there is a conflict between students, sitting down with the two groups of parents is important.
"We would do it separately. In one recent case we met with the parents that had the complaint, and we met for several hours to make sure that we understood all of the concerns. (We) talked about many different options, what we could do, how to rectify the situation. But we also met with the other parents, and then we're not sharing that information, because we have to keep it confidential on both sides."
The meetings between the two groups of parents are conducted separately and then the administrators and teachers review and analyze all of the information to come up with a plan moving forward. What is said in the meetings is not shared with the other party.
"It's frustrating for some parents that they can't know what happened in the other meeting, but we're dealing with confidentiality issues that most parents wouldn't want us sharing that information about their own child. So we hope that all parents see it through that lens, that we're protecting everyone's privacy," Jacobi said.
Another frustrating aspect of the process for parents is they can't demand a certain punishment be meted out to the bully, Jacobi added.
"A parent that has a complaint can't mandate what the punishment will be for the other child, like an expulsion, a transfer to another school, special education referral. That's not their place," Jacobi said. "Are those things we might look at? Absolutely, depending on the situation. But when we're looking at kindergarteners or little children, expulsion really isn't on the table if they don't know the skills they need."
She added that she doubts the Board of Education would go along with expelling a young child because they do lack those skills.
"That's our responsibility, we have to teach the kids the skills they need," she said.
Making these situations even more complex is that one person's definition of bullying behavior might be very different from another person's.
"Some name calling is absolutely bullying. We're looking at is there power, is someone more powerful in that imbalance? Is it ongoing? Is this something where someone is being beaten down by the words of another child? It can easily move into bullying," Jacobi said. "The physical absolutely has to be stopped immediately because that has reached a new level, but bullying can definitely be verbal. Once again, we have to look at that intent."
"Often we're hearing kids repeat things they're hearing outside of school, and so, it has to be used as a teachable moment," she added.
Social media, movies, television and popular music can also influence children of all ages.
"We're seeing that more and more statewide and across the whole country and so we have to be addressing that in the schools because what you're seeing on the screen, on the news (and) in sitcoms doesn't mean it's appropriate," Jacobi said. "Many people are doing things today that they never would have thought about doing a decade ago. The idea of acceptability is very different, so we're also looking at that."
The Rhinelander school board has a policy on bullying, and there are administrative guidelines that help teachers and principals put that policy into practice, Jacobi explained.
"We have a policy about bullying, but we don't do zero tolerance," she said. "But that really goes with most of our policies. It's like our drug policy, it isn't a zero tolerance in that a kid could get caught with a vape with THC, we're not going to expel. We're going to do some steps. If there is a problem, we're going to help. Because we can't throw all these kids away, every kid is valuable, and we have to make sure that we're treating them that way."
Over the course of her career, both as an administrator and as a teacher, Jacobi said the approach to handling bullying has changed considerably.
"The awareness of it has changed a lot, which is a very good thing. We're staying attuned to what's happening, what's harmful to kids. But we're always going to see those typical student behaviors, and we don't say 'kids will be kids,' or 'boys will be boys,' that's not what we're saying. But with early tweens, we still deal with early relationships in much the same way we did 20 years ago because they don't know how to talk about feelings and show I really like you by walking by you and bump into them. And it's not bullying if there is no power imbalance, if it's not being done to be mean," Jacobi said. "The perception at the moment, until one of the kids doesn't get why it happened, 'they're being mean to me or picking on me.' But he's just trying to say he likes you, he just doesn't know how to do it."
She pointed out that some instances of bullying are easier to distinguish than others.
"There are many categories where the intent is to hurt someone, damage them emotionally or physically because of their race, because of their sexual orientation, because of religion, many of those factors, that's repetitive. It's not a one-time, I'm bumping you to acknowledge that I like you without using those words. It's the intent, it's very different. So to investigate, to figure these things out, isn't always easy. But we do work our best to make sure that we're getting to that part."
If a student is bullying more than one student at a time, that would trigger a different response from the teacher and building principal, she added.
"When you see that the intent of the student that is doing something to a group of students, what is that? Is that a bid for power? It's often a power struggle," Jacobi said. "Is it because the student (on the receiving end of bullying) is female, a different nationality, is it bigotry?" What is it for us to figure out what the real problem is, and how do we address it? It's going to be different for different situations, there isn't one size fits all."
The age of the students involved also plays a role in determining intent.
"Often when there is conflict, when one child does something another child doesn't like or finds inappropriate, and says something, it's often reactive, which isn't bullying. The intent was not bullying, it was a response to something that happened," Jacobi explained. "Little kids especially don't know how to say things nicely, to think before they speak; all of those things we learn as we grow up."
Sometimes little children become enamored with a word that other children may find upsetting, she added.
"But, often, teens do the same thing. They find a word and they love it, and it is kind of the new word for that period of time, and you hear it all the time," Jacobi said.
How parents of a child who has been accused of bullying react to being called in for a meeting at school runs the gamut, she noted.
"Your first sense is to protect your child, because that's just how humans are, that we protect," Jacobi said. "But when parents have seen things at playgroup at the park and are ready for that conversation, we can move it to what can we do and offer options. Because we want to help, kids are not thrown away, kids are not disposable. We have to help them all. Sometimes we have to get parents to that point to help them understand that other kids don't like it when these types of things happen and are seeing it as bullying."
She said it is "fabulous when parents are willing to work with us as a team."
"Sometimes just bringing it (the behavior) to their (the student's) attention, that when you say these words, it hurts people's feelings, do you know what this means?" she added. "When we're talking little kids, they often don't know, they're repeating something they have heard in other places. So often, helping them understand that help solves the problem."
She repeated that the goal is to help the child, not suspend, expel or otherwise punish them.
"We want them to learn," Jacobi said. "And we care about all kids, even those who need more support, instruction or need more help."
Every student learns empathy at a different stage of their development. When they begin to grasp that their inappropriate behavior is hurting others, the behavior often stops, she said.
"But we're finding that there is less empathy everywhere right now," Jacobi noted. "We're not thinking about others. If we don't agree on something, we're often putting up barriers. That's not going to help us figure out ways to work together; we may never agree on a particular topic, but that doesn't mean we can't work together and be nice to each other. And that's a huge part of this."
Jamie Taylor may be reached via email at jamie@rivernews online.com.
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